Reason for Not Eating Out #29

What can I start you off with? Would you like to hear our specials? What did you decide on? Do you need a few more minutes? Can I get you another drink? Would you like to see our dessert menu? Would you like to Supersize that? Would you like fries with that? Would you like that a la mode? Would you like to have that wrapped up? Are you sure you wouldn’t like any coffee or dessert?

No reservations. No substitutions, please. No combinations. No exceptions. No parties will be seated until all members are present. No cell phone conversations. No smoking is permitted. No loitering. No children under the age of 12. No pets allowed. No MSG. No shirt, no shoes, no service.

How is everything over here? How are we doing? How can I help you? How many? How are you doing today?

We accept cash only. We cater. We deliver. We proudly accept Mastercard, Visa and American Express. A gratuity of 18% is automatically added to parties of six or more. Employees must wash hands. We welcome your suggestions. We look forward to serving you again.

Please wait to be seated. Please ask us about our specials. Please excuse our appearance. Please let your server know of any special dietary restrictions. Please be respectful of our neighbors. Please be respectful of other patrons. Please do not disturb. Please come again soon, and bring your friends.

We love to see you smile. Have it your way. When you’re here, you’re family. America runs on Dunkin’. Eat fresh. Do what tastes right. What you crave. Think outside the bun. For the seafood lover in you. Gather ’round the good stuff. Eatin’ good in the neighborhood. Eat great, late. We don’t make it until you order it. We do chicken right.

It is our pleasure to serve you. We hope to see you again. Your satisfaction is guaranteed. The customer is always right.

(Reason for Not Eating Out #29: Because I don’t think that an act as primal as eating shouldn’t have to be filled with service jargon on a regular basis. With a hearty nod to the late George Carlin, for this stand-up routine.)

9 Responses

  1. Matthew
    |

    My name is ______ and I’ll be your server tonight.

  2. [email protected]
    |

    Eloquent, persuasive and to-the-point. My blood pressure is rising and I’m in the weeds just by reading this.

  3. James
    |

    “Your kids are starving. Carl’s Jr. believes that no child should go hungry. You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl’s Jr.”

  4. Chris
    |

    “Are you still working on that” kills me….. I hate the idea of enjoying food as work.

  5. corinne
    |

    you made me laugh ! yes this is so true and so american 🙂 well if it could a bit less on your side of the world and a bit more here in Europe we’ll have a good average 😉
    hello from Geneva/Switzerland

  6. Yvo
    |

    Have you dined with us before? Are you familiar with how things work here?

    🙂 I think my favorite reason, right now, is probably (paraphrased) – the food I cook is exactly 110% to my tastes and no one else’s. There is no doubt in my mind when I make something that it is what I want.

  7. Kannan Vasudevan
    |

    “Would you like fresh ground pepper with that?”
    “Yes, please.”
    “Just say when.”
    “When.”

    I prefer to add my own pepper.

    Great blog!

  8. Emily
    |

    At a Mexican restaurant in Chicago I was asked “Have you dined at here at __________ before?”
    I said no, I hadn’t, figuring it was a standard service industry question. My mistake. We were promptly (and patronizingly) told how the menu worked… full on “and this is the section for appetizers, those are smaller and come before the rest of your food, and below there you’ll see our salad section, and then if you open the flap you’ll find the enchilada section, below that the burritos…” and on he went, through the entire menu. We didn’t have it in us to tell him that despite not dining at that fine establishment before, we had indeed encountered menus before. It was definitely an odd food service experience.

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