What can I start you off with? Would you like to hear our specials? What did you decide on? Do you need a few more minutes? Can I get you another drink? Would you like to see our dessert menu? Would you like to Supersize that? Would you like fries with that? Would you like that a la mode? Would you like to have that wrapped up? Are you sure you wouldn’t like any coffee or dessert?
No reservations. No substitutions, please. No combinations. No exceptions. No parties will be seated until all members are present. No cell phone conversations. No smoking is permitted. No loitering. No children under the age of 12. No pets allowed. No MSG. No shirt, no shoes, no service.
How is everything over here? How are we doing? How can I help you? How many? How are you doing today?
We accept cash only. We cater. We deliver. We proudly accept Mastercard, Visa and American Express. A gratuity of 18% is automatically added to parties of six or more. Employees must wash hands. We welcome your suggestions. We look forward to serving you again.
Please wait to be seated. Please ask us about our specials. Please excuse our appearance. Please let your server know of any special dietary restrictions. Please be respectful of our neighbors. Please be respectful of other patrons. Please do not disturb. Please come again soon, and bring your friends.
We love to see you smile. Have it your way. When you’re here, you’re family. America runs on Dunkin’. Eat fresh. Do what tastes right. What you crave. Think outside the bun. For the seafood lover in you. Gather ’round the good stuff. Eatin’ good in the neighborhood. Eat great, late. We don’t make it until you order it. We do chicken right.
It is our pleasure to serve you. We hope to see you again. Your satisfaction is guaranteed. The customer is always right.
(Reason for Not Eating Out #29: Because I don’t think that an act as primal as eating shouldn’t have to be filled with service jargon on a regular basis. With a hearty nod to the late George Carlin, for this stand-up routine.)